Fair warning: This is just going to be me rambling about who the hells know what. It’s not going to make much sense, and it sure as hell isn’t going to be written well.
Well it is 4:40 in the morning and I can’t sleep. My brain is going crazy with thoughts of the future, what I am doing with my life, what I could be doing, what I should be doing, all of that shit. And you know what, I don’t know what I want to do with my life. How should I know? Hell, I am only twenty years old. I have the rest of my life ahead of me. Who cares if I decide down the road that something I chose maybe wasn’t for me. At least I would have given it a shot. And to tell you the truth I am terrified of what the future holds. Trying to picture what I will be doing a year from now, let alone the rest of my life scares the living shit out of me. I have always followed my heart with decisions I make. Even if that means not doing the “smart” thing. But fuck doing the smart thing. I am going to do what feels right to me at the time, and if I look back and see it maybe wasn’t the best decision, at least I did what I wanted at the time. Even now I can look back at what I have done so far in my lifetime, and yeah its not much, but I know for a fact I have always followed my heart. From the time I was a little kid I would get my heart set on something I would go at it with everything I had. And then I found love for the first time. When I fell in love it happened hard and fast. It was the best feeling I have ever felt in my life. Because it was that feeling of my heart bursting out of my body. Just something telling you, there is something special about this girl. She could make my knees go weak by just looking at me. And I fucking loved ever minute of it. Unfortunately, things with her didn’t end up working out. And I would be lying if I said I don’t sometimes wonder what would be if things did work. But with time I was able to move on, I was able to realize I needed to let my heart go and find something new. Going back to what I said earlier with not knowing what I want in the future, I do know one thing. At the end of the day I want to be able to fall asleep happy. And I sure as hell want that happiness to be shared.
